That's how my-before-Erasmus-self feels.
Looking back at the beggining of the year, all the fears and hesitations and expectations... and now it's nearly over. 17 days left 'till I head home. Where did time go? And at the same time, I feel miles away from 13th of February.
I still have fears, hesitations and expectations I find myself struggling with more than I wish to. I am still awkward around people from time to time. But I also know myself much better than when I first came. I let myself go more. I started to say 'yes' to others and to myself more. I embraced who I am more. And I don't know if I am ready to go home. Because I am afraid once I'll be back, given that I have changed so much and yet so little and everything there will be the same, I will hold back again and go back to being the same self-constrained me.
It's easy to try new things when everything around you is new. It's easier to explore different sides of your personality when no one knows any of them. But what when I go back? Will I still try to get to know myself and what surrounds me better? Or will I just do what I believe people expect me to do... what I expect me to do? And what is that exactly?
I don't know.
I didn't and I don't quite yet know who I am. I do know that here I was willing to find out if even just because I had to. And I like the person I found myself to be while here. I hope not to lose her along the way.