Once upon a time, there was a girl, who spent her life thinking that something was wrong with her.
It had to be, otherwise why would she be the little girl who had to play on the school yard by herself? The teen who spends her high school breaks alone 'cause no one cares if she's alone or not? The girl who gets left behind when people don't need something from her anymore? Who people don't even notice if she's there or not? Who no one ever fell in love for? Who doesn't have a group a friends or even a best friend in her own hometown?
Something had to be wrong with her. Or so she thought.
By chance, she started to go to MJS meetings where she met people from the whole country, new people who she easily became friends with who actually seemed to like her, to care. Who never let her go, even though they were miles away.
So she kept going to those, joined the crew of Forum Estudante magazine, "met" people on twitter and facebook, started to go to concerts and Summer camps... and it was the same old story: all those awesome people she met seemed to genuinely like her, they even cried when they said goodbye to her and did her best to stay in touch with her and were always there for her.
So what was going on? "I'm so bad that only people who just spent a few days with me have patience to put up with me" she thought. "What else can it be? Why other reason would explain how no one around me cares about me?"
And then, after years and years and years of repeating to herself she wasn't good enough, of pointing all of her flaws something finally made sense.
The problem wasn't on the others. She was the one who didn't care about herself and kept bringing her down.
Because after all, no one around her was flawless. There was something wrong with all of them. But they didn't let the bad things win them over and build a wall between them and the others as she had done.
She was the one who kept working hard to not be noticed. Who stayed in her corner and didn't dare to approach others. Who had never let anyone know her well enough to like or care about her. Who never got close enough to a person so he could fall in love for her. Who stayed too far from everyone to fall in love with someone.
She was the one who chose to kept distance. Who didn't let people in. That way no one could hurt her and then tell her it was her fold anymore.
But it wasn't an easy thing to do. So when she went to those places where no one knew her she felt like she could break the wall and let people knew who she was. A slightly crazy, weird, talkative, goofy, smiling, dreamer, hopeless romantic, vulnerable and very peculiar girl who just wants to be happy. That's the girl all her miles-away-but-close-friends met.
That was the girl people liked and cared about.
And it wasn't because they didn't spent much time with her. It was because she had let them in.
She only had a doubt: was she really that girl? If you asked most of the people who are/were in her class, those probably weren't be the adjectives they'd use to describe her. But all her friends would.
So who was she? The crazy happy girl who wasn't afraid to show it or the one who sits in her corner singing herself to sleep trying to remain unnoticed?
She couldn't tell. Maybe the first one was her real self. She hopes she was because she likes her, she wants to be that girl.
But she had been left behind too many times, she had spent too much time wearing her "invisibility mask" and she had cried too many tears without a shoulder to cry on to believe she could be that happy girl.
"So who's she?", you wonder.
Well, she doesn't know for sure. What I can tell you is that she'll do her best to break the walls around her and be the smiling person she knows how to be, that people like and look up to. She's going to embrace the fact that she isn't just a normal boring person. That though she doesn't realizes it often, she's special. That all of her flaws and craziness make her one of a kind.
And you know what?
It's not because she wants people to like her.
Is because she wants to be happy. No. Because she deserves it.
Resolution for 2014: stop to pretend I'm normal and just be me. Whatever "me" means.