If only..

I wish I could publish all the blog posts I've written on my mind. All the exciting details I though of such a great way to describe. All the boring and now meaningless things I want to remember later. All the mess inside my head writing helps me make sense of.

But I can't. Thoughts don't materialize into action unless I do. How is this such a hard lesson for me to learn?

I have done so many incredible things, lived some unbelievable experiences, yet I am so great at being still that sometimes I doubt it was me who lived those or some other person. There is the "happy excited ready-to-go why not? Fuck it let's do this" Joana and "real life" Joana. The first is frustrated because she is often overpowered by the latter. But from time to time she comes out and "Boom!": I feel invencible again!

If only I knew how to always feel that way.